I recently learned that a friend of mine took her own life. My beautiful, fun loving, kick ass, vibrant, young friend… killed herself. When I tell you the news shook me, I mean it shook me- rocked me straight down to my core. First it was shock, then denial, then just the deepest grief.
She was 34 years old; beautiful, sweet, adorably country, a fantastic dancer and always such a good friend to me. She was brilliant- the valedictorian of her class, the head cheerleader, she was always put together- her clothes were always an outfit, but there was not even an air of condescension or arrogance. She had a beautiful smile and a beautiful soul. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel sadness in her. I am super sensitive spirit and I always felt something was not completely right. That almost made her more beautiful to me, she was honest about her struggle in her own way.
I’d frequently check in and see how she was doing and it was always good stuff- she’d say she was dancing a lot or going on one of her many trips with her husband. She had a home she seemed to love in Oregon… a life that I am sure many envied looking from the outside in. She opened up to me a few times but never enough to let me even consider the possibility that she would do something like kill herself.
I think back now on every conversation, every text… was there something else I should have said or asked?… how did I not see this potential in my sweet friend who literally ALWAYS found something positive to say to me? Always wanted to shop with me, always complimented my outfit, always offered congratulations….I know it is no ones fault and we can never truly know what is on the mind or heart of another human- but you just can’t help but wonder.
She had asked me to go to Thailand with her in December- but I ended up extending my South American tour and I couldn’t go.. would that have changed anything? Could anything have changed it or was it inevitable for her? Why did she feel this was the only answer? All questions I will never have the answer to. I planned to go and visit her soon in Oregon but never set a date- why didn’t I set a date? I wanted to go. I just prioritized work and other things and I am so sorry for that now.
Someone once told me suicide doesn’t end sadness, it just moves it on to other people and now I know that to be wholly true. I will always carry some sadness in me for her. Every time I think of her and of our very limited, oh so precious time together, I will feel some heaviness in my heart for a life that was lost way too soon. I see her in her wedding dress all lit up at her wedding, lying next to me on the beach LOVING girl talk, running next to me on the treadmill asking how I was going so fast, In the aisles at Nordstrom Rack asking for advice on what to buy, dancing together in her studio or her backyard or wherever we could, her cracking up at game night and lighting up the dance floor on double date nights.
She was one of a kind and I am so thankful I got to have her for a little while. My sadness is that I didn’t tell her enough how much I loved her and adored her and really thought the world of her. She moved away some time ago and over the last couple of years it was just texts every couple weeks. I saw her pictures on Instagram and that made me feel like we were “in touch.” I think we let social media fool us into thinking we are doing the work, but we need to do more. We need to do more than press like and comment and repost… I wish I had picked up the phone more. I’ll always wish I had done that. We need HUMAN interaction, we need to work harder.
I never loved her any less or valued her any less -life just gets in the way sometimes. More than anything I hope she knows that I cherished her friendship and if there was anything on this earth I could have done to keep her here I would have done it.
“Love and miss u so much” – the last words she ever said to me. Heartbreakingly perfect- I do too Nic, and I always always will.
If you or someone you know is struggling with depression or suicidal thoughts please contact the national suicide prevention lifeline 1800-273-8255.